Why I Pressed ‘Delete.’

Humble pie tastes like shit, but someone’s got to eat it.

Yesterday, I spent three hours writing – and rewriting – my Fourth of July post.

I couldn’t relax until I felt it was perfect. And after the post was published, I still went back and edited some more. At one point, I just had to close my laptop and walk away. I was too anxious to look at it.

The post probably wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. But because I had done so much over-thinking in the hopes of making it “the best blog post ever,” I ensured my own disappointment. I found myself checking back that night to see how many ‘likes’ it had received, as if it really mattered.

This awful, empty feeling was…familiar.

Damnnn, ego. Back at it again.

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Image: Source

I started this blog as a way to create whatever I want to, and document this crazy new chapter of my life. My main initiative here is to quit trying to be perfect/celebrated/marketable (an unbranding, if you will) and just be myself.

But old demons don’t just go away without a fight.

Ego called and wanted another chance. I took him back with open arms.

Grossssss.

Why else would I have spent so much of my holiday weekend laboring over a blog post I didn’t like, trying to make it sound deep? I didn’t have anything especially profound to say. I just felt I was “supposed” to write something to commemorate the Fourth of July. How silly of me. Everything I could ever wish to express about freedom, equality and responsibility has already been articulated by people wiser than myself. Hell, John Cena did it in under 4 minutes.

If what I want to say is genuine, I won’t be able to not write it. But if my message feels forced, I struggle. And I know that I’m capable of writing good stuff, but nothing great ever comes out just for the sake of impressing others.

Yesterday, my ego went back to work. Today, it got fired again.

“You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it.” – Wayne Dyer

When I write something from my heart, it doesn’t matter how many people read it. I feel satisfied just by clicking ‘publish’ and letting the cards fall where they may.

But yesterday’s post was written for the wrong reasons. I know this because I found myself checking back multiple times that day, just to see how many clicks the page got. No amount of online followers will ever be enough for the ego-monster – and that’s why it’s the #1 killer of art.

This blog is not about the views. It’s not about being profound, or motivational, or popular, or deep. Honest, yes. Introspective, maybe. But I’m really just here to learn, let go, and become a better person/writer. That means making a lot of mistakes, like this one.

fjeifo94rjfiuafaoijdfajiff449f0200jcawod. Wheee.

Today, I looked back at the post that I’d spent so many hours worrying about, and I didn’t recognize myself in it. So I deleted the whole damned thing.

And now I’ve gone and written a post about deleting a post. A post about a post. FUN.

I’m confronting my inner Kanye, ‘Bound 3’ style.

44

This feels better. Much better. 

P.S….if you don’t get the Bound 2/3 reference…check it out. Watch it. Do it for you.

These two videos (watched back to back) are LIFE.

Bound 2: Kanye’s Original Video

Bound 3: The Much More Awesome Parody

Thanks for reading (or not). I love your face!

I still don’t know what I ‘m doing, but I’m happy to be here.

xo

 

 

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